What is it, Aspie? Is it trouble? Good work, Aspie!
Holy jumping Christ, did you hear the news? An autistic boy saved his teacher! From choking! The news media is breaking its jaw grinning so much over this feel-good story. I imagine the newsroom just a-hoppin:
“Carl, hold off on that health care package! We got ourselves some kinda magic retard what kin save a lady’s goldamned life! Didjoo even know them autisticles had werkin hands?!”
“Lord on high, Walter! Just in the nick of goldamned time! This is gotta be more amazin’ then that Virgin Mary what showed up on the burnt toast! This’ll top the ‘leven a clock broadcast!”
Should you ever be kept up at night wondering just what went wrong with the news media in the last decade: look no goddamned further. This type of easily-digested, feel-good story is baby-food for the mind. Can’t handle real news? Have some mashed bananas!
Here’s the news media’s working formula: a person with a problem gets saved by someone who you wouldn’t think would be able to solve the problem. The whole story hinges on your ability to be moved by the poor child, triumphing over his own terrible deformity or ailment or diet or whatever the hell’s wrong with him. If you are moved: shame, ye bastard, shame. Because you’re guilty of paternalistic pity and, moreover, goddamned sentimentality. What is the kid, a goddamned dog? If some fat businessman at a restaurant had squeezed the ever-loving crabcake out of some other patron’s gullet, you think that would be news? Nah! It’s cause this kid is like some kind of magic boy. The news can’t see that, as we all can, he’s a pretty regular kid who just must’ve listened during the CPR class. An opportunity to learn more about how autism really works is lost in a patronizing recapitulation of a presumed handicap. I mean good for the kid, he’s a hero for sure, but how’s it really gonna help him or us move forward when the goddamned newsman is practically cooing insufferable little goddamned babytalk at the kid? I’m getting diabetes, it’s all so sweet!
Autistic people should be offended. But I understand what’s going on her. The news station had a nice sweet little template here, and saw how excited people got when a golden retriever saved his master with the ol’ Heimlich. That lady, too, was choking on an apple.
So fear not America: As long as there are dogs and autistic kids watching your back, you’ll never have to worry about taking small bites a-goddamned-gain.
Oct 16th, 2009, 7:24pm
